Fear

Saturday I was overwhelmed. I realized what it was.

I was scared.

I got in the shower and cried out to God. I said God please help me, I’m scared.

Whew!

And then I handed it over to him. I don’t have the strength to hold it any longer.

The weight of everything.

Having been strong for so long my foundation began to crumble. And in this moment I remembered what it says in the Bible. It says two are better than one.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

9 Two are better than one,
    because they have a good return for their labor:
10 If either of them falls down,
    one can help the other up.
But pity anyone who falls
    and has no one to help them up.
11 Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
    But how can one keep warm alone?
12 Though one may be overpowered,
    two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

The desire for a husband has been even stronger in these moments when I have no one to lean on. No shoulder to cry on. No help.

Then God reveals that he is there. He never left.

He wants me to lean into him. No, it isn’t wrong to desire a husband, but I need to remain faithful to my first love. God.

This type of intention and connection is what I had been missing in the past. I rushed to have connection with a man, forgetting how connected me and God had been. Nothing I’m proud of, of course, but I am forever thankful for his mercy and grace.

In the past, when God would show me someone, or I thought he’d shown me someone, I would automatically go into control mode. This is not what I should have been doing. Trying to make sure what I was shown happened. Think, oh you said that’s my man alright bet. And I would move in ways that would try to encourage it. Instead of trusting that God was leading me where I needed to be.

Right now, I know God is trying to break that off of me, so that I can meet my future spouse. (Sorry love, I’m hard headed sometimes 😂😔)

I had habits that didn’t align with who I am supposed to be as a wife. I needed to learn balance.

We pray for what we want and get it and fumble it. I do not want to be that person! Heavy on the praying I can manage what I've been praying for and thanking God for his grace when I mess up.

I may not understand fully about what men have to carry, but I can for sure say that I am more aware after these last few plus years, and more specifically these last few months, the burden he will carry for our family. My future husband will get an understanding wife. A praying wife. Someone who isn’t going to expect perfection because I myself am not perfect. He will get an encourager. A best friend and everything in between. I am so hopeful for the day we both go from praying individually to praying together.

God first always. ❤️